Day 64 - my old life

Today was a really rough day.  The twins got onto slightly different eating schedules in the morning (because I was feeding them individually rather than trying to juggle feeding them at the same time).  We did get out of the house to go to a lunch at the church but I had to leave early because both babies were fussy.  This fussiness continued once I got home.  My mom was supposed to be here In the afternoon but she got held up helping Heather and Scott with their cottage.  As a result I tried, and mostly failed, to calm two fussy babies by myself for 3 hours in the afternoon until Marsha got home at 5.  Brian had a meeting at the church tonight so bedtime was also a challenge and it took me over 3 hours to get both babies to fall asleep (I did have my moms help for the first hour and a half).

I feel terrible to admit it but today I really missed my old life before babies.  I missed being on my own schedule; having my free time to work out, relax and hang out with friends when I wanted.  Lately I feel like I spend most of my time trying to sooth one or both crying babies and it is exhausting and very lonely.  Being a mom is great, don't get me wrong.  I would give up my life for these babies and despite being miserable I will spend all my hours doting on them if need be.  But I can't help but feel incapable of coping and also mad at the world for not preparing me for how hard this is.  I know it will get better.  They will sleep through the night eventually.  (Brian is sick so this picture is my attemp at tandem feeding by myself at 4 am).  I know that soon I will better understand what their cries mean and will be better able to meet their needs.  I know that soon they will be able to show me that they love me by cuddling me back.  I know that all of this is coming but it does little to comfort me at 5 am while I rock a baby that refuses to sleep anywhere but in my arms while I pray desperately that the other one stirring in the crib beside me does not wake back up again.   

Well that's the end of my pity party.  I hope that I have better news to report tomorrow.